Issue 11.
Today's newsletter is sponsored by capitalism: Kris Jenner Koronation, Black Friday Olympics, billionaire private travel ecosystems & more
PSA! If you’re new to Substack or wondering why some of my emails seem to end abruptly when you read Shallow directly in your inbox—they cut me off! (the audacity). You need to hit ‘View entire message’ at the bottom of the email to see the full issue. Sorry, I’ve forgotten to mention this x Harriet
The Koronation of Kris Jenner
Alongside death and taxes, we can add another certainty in life: a woman born Kristen Mary Houghton will be studied for decades.
High schoolers of the future will learn about the wiles and ways of a woman responsible for a modern-day empire.
The 21st century’s answer to Greek goddess Hera, Queen of the Gods—Kris Jenner.
Not since King Charles’s 2023 coronation has there been such fanfare for a single individual as last week’s 70th birthday celebrations for the woman responsible for getting “Momager” added to the Cambridge Dictionary.
Hosted at the Bezos lair, the 007-themed event felt like it’s own coronation of sorts, the official crowning of Kris as a global power player.
Side note: It’s a shame no one had the balls to tell Jeff Bezos he could have saved money on a costume by dressing up as his doppelgänger, Bond villain Ernst Blofeld, rather than James Bond.
Two revelations from the night worth noting. First, Cassandra Grey revealed the invitations went out via Paperless Post (a little stingy if you ask me! Come on, Jeff, splurge on some illustrated parchments for Krissy).
Second, the most sought-after guest wasn’t an A-lister at all but Dr. Steven Levine, Kris’s plastic surgeon behind the artwork that is her facelift. Which tracks, as there hasn’t been a face more worthy of hanging in a gallery since the Mona Lisa.
The birthday girl even wrapped up the celebrations by appearing in ads shilling Christmas decorations for who else? Amazon. It would’ve been disappointing if she hadn’t.
In less than 20 years since Keeping Up with the Kardashians debuted on E! as a filler show in the halcyon days of 2007, Jenner went from being a 52-year-old Beverly Hills D-lister wrangling deals for her daughters, promoting weight-loss shakes and K9 Magazine covers, to getting Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Oprah Winfrey, Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Prince Harry, and Mariah Carey in one room sipping “Espresso Kristinis.”
It’s impossible not to marvel at this transformation; Jenner has shaped modern culture, for better or worse.
Her foresight, hustle and business acumen created the blueprint for contemporary personal branding, celebrity monetisation and influencer culture, while setting her family up for generational wealth.
Although I can’t help but suspect the inner workings of the Kardashian-Jenner empire will remain beneath the iceberg, only to be revealed when Kris passes on.
In the meantime, keep the organisers of next year’s G20 in your thoughts, the yearly summit looks like a neighbourhood block party compared to the Krisonation. Finger sandwiches with Albo don’t quite pack the same punch.
Black Friday Olympics
Black Friday, the Olympics of consumption has arrived, and every year it feels like it starts earlier than the last. What was originally a single day of discounts has become a whole month of unapologetic consumerism, with more slashed prices than a rug warehouse.
Australians are expected to spend a record $6.8 billion over the Black Friday–Cyber Monday weekend (Roy Morgan Research).
Are you game-day ready?
These next few weeks are a survival of the fittest; only the strongest of shoppers will make it through. Pre-filled carts on standby. Recently opted-in email lists primed for alerts. Notes apps filled with wish lists.
Daydreams of deals, salivation for savings, and hallucinations about new homewares turn even the most disciplined mind into a walking SKU database.
The words of Kath & Kim’s inimitable Kim Craig ring in my head: “I think I’ve saved so much with what I spent, I might have actually made money!”
This past weekend, I faced my first challenge of the Games, a Rorschach test of morals versus materialism.
Trying to silence intrusive thoughts about the damage I’m surely doing to the environment — and asking myself “why are you like this?” — I made it to page nine of Google Shopping results at 10 pm on Saturday night, hunting for the perfect pair of strappy chocolate brown heels.
But when I found myself trawling through Reddit seeking confirmation as to whether Yoox could be trusted, the shame got to me. I shut my laptop. Round won.
It lasted a whole eight hours. By morning, I’d clicked add to cart, at 65% off, it would have been bad business not to!
Good luck out there, everyone. See you on the podium.
The Rich Are Out of Reach
According to the WSJ, the world’s wealthiest citizens are spending exorbitant amounts to make sure they never have to come into contact with us plebs.
Hotels, restaurants, airports, bars, wellness centres, and members’ clubs have built entire ecosystems removed from the public, ensuring the precious hands of the 1% are spared the embarrassment of sharing air with middle-class riff-raff who have to pay something called a mortgage.
“They don’t wait in lines. They don’t jostle with airport crowds or idle unnecessarily in traffic. The spaces they inhabit are often private, carefully curated, and populated by like-minded, similarly well-heeled peers. Unencumbered by the inconveniences of ordinary life.”
An edit of beautiful, unnecessary, probably overpriced things you don’t need… but will want.
Since this issue is seemingly sponsored by capitalism, let’s cap it off with a bang!
Beare Park Crew Neck Long Sleeve T-Shirt
This top has turned me into the latest graduate from the Steve Jobs school of uniformed style. I’ve worn it so much that I even bought it in black. Casual but dressy, the cotton is comfortable, breathable, and the style is deceptively polished.
Vintage Levi’s via Etsy
AUSPICES is a London-based secondhand denim seller that stocks a curated range of vintage Levi’s, all in one place. Choose your size, pick your wash, and add any specific details you’re after: style, shape, fit, measurements — the lot.
MERIT Five Minute Morning Set
A 30-something woman on Substack recommending MERIT!? Never been done.
I’m lazy with makeup, and unless it’s a special occasion, I don’t like to spend more than five minutes making my face look like it hasn’t come from a morgue. The LA-brand’s clean, stylish products are easy to use, designed to work together, and well priced.
My favourites are the Minimalist Complexion Stick and Matte Solo Shadow. If you’re new to the brand, I would start with this set to get a proper feel for the products.
Alémais x Le Specs Luxe Lunar Sunglasses
I was going to gatekeep these, but I relented. How’s that for personal growth? Therapy must be working. I love the shape of these glasses — classic with a twist — and an interesting colour selection.
See Aiche Greeting Cards
No disrespect to my dear family but I’ll definitely have the chicest Christmas cards this year. Created by Sydney-raised, Paris-based illustrator Chloe Hoffmann, See Aiche’s range of greeting cards are beautiful and so much fun! No one needs another graphic of Santa squeezing down a chimney.
INNISFREE Super Volcanic Pore Clay Mask
I found this gem at W Cosmetics and felt so cutting-edge — until I realised it’s literally everywhere: Priceline, Sephora, Adore Beauty.
Bottom line: it’s effective, soothes, clears the gunk, and doesn’t irritate the skin. Add to cart and be basic like me!
Having a chuckle at your comments, epic writing per usual!