Issue 7.
Adios Andrew, Kim’s cost of living, plastic surgery for your ribcage, the war on sneakers & more
Disclaimer: Shallow deals in the superficial, not the sinister. Virginia Giuffre’s devastating new autobiography details experiences that are anything but. Her bravery and resilience are beyond words.
Adios, Randy Andy
The British royal family are really just like the Kardashians, minus the plastic surgery, personal brands, and a list of baby daddies so long it rivals a sperm-donor centre.
And now they officially have their own Rob. Prince Andrew (the sweat-free royal) has entered a new era as the vanishing brother no one will ever see or hear from again.
A 2011 email has been revealed showing Randy Andy writing to Jeffrey Epstein after the infamous photo of Virginia Giuffre, the Prince, and Ghislaine Maxwell was made public, along with Giuffre’s allegations that she had been trafficked and forced to have sex with the Duke.
Ever the poet, he wrote, “We are in this together,” signing off with, “Keep in close touch and play some more soon”.
The smoking gun proving he had been lying for years about cutting ties with Epstein in 2010.
Now, a Duke no more. Andrew officially relinquished his royal titles over the weekend following the revelation.
The decision was reportedly urged by his brother, King Charles, who has probably had it up to his signet ring with the embarrassment Andrew’s sordid Epstein escapades have caused the Royal Family.
So, with Randy Andy officially in Rob-land — although the prospect of launching a sock line looks slim — he will now vanish from public life altogether. Persona non grata, he is banned from royal events, private family occasions, and even the Royal Family Christmas lunch.
Arrogant, entitled, full of hubris, and completely lacking self-awareness, those are just some of Prince Andrew’s best traits. He is a walking red flag (of course, it goes without saying that the sexual allegations against him are truly horrific).
But the former Duke of York can be a one-man comedy band. After a rough day, the comic relief of watching his notorious 2019 Newsnight interview takes the edge off better than the strongest dose of Xanax.
Here are some of Prince Andrew’s greatest hits:
An advocate for niche medical conditions
“I have a peculiar medical condition, which is that I don’t sweat, or I didn’t sweat at the time, because I had suffered what I would describe as an overdose of adrenaline in the Falklands War when I was shot at.” Prince Andrew, when told that Virginia Giuffre described him “ as profusely sweating” the night the photo (above) was taken.
He’s thrifty
Asked why he stayed for several days at the house of a convicted sex offender (Epstein), the Duke told Newsnight in irritation:
“It was a convenient place to stay.”
His value for old-fashioned manners
“If he walked into a room and people didn’t acknowledge his presence, he’s been known to clear his throat, say, ‘Let’s try that again,’ leave the room, and come back to make sure everybody stands, bows, and curtseys.” said an associate.
An advocate for innovation
“I’m an ideas factory. Every single day I learn something new.” Prince Andrew, 2017.
He represents the child in us all
Randy Andy has long been known for his love of plush toys and teddies.
“As soon as I got the job, I was told about the teddies and it was drilled into me how he wanted them displayed on his bed. I even had a day’s training. He absolutely loved them and was very clear about how he wanted them arranged.” said a former Buckingham Palace maid.
Keeping Up with Kim’s Kost of Living
Don’t expect to see Kim Kardashian in line for JobSeeker or food stamps anytime soon.
I hung off every word of her Call Her Daddy interview, where the SKIMS mogul unpacked what the cost of living looks like for a billionaire celebrity.
“How much do you spend a year on glam?”asked Alex Cooper.
“I should know this. I try to get it all paid for so I don’t have to personally pay for it,” Kim replied. “It could be a million dollars, but I don’t know.”
In a culture that thrives on oversharing, money remains one of the last unspoken public taboos, especially when it comes to celebrities sharing how they function financially.
So hearing that Kim, like the rest of us, tries to expense as many work costs as possible, for a brief, shining moment I felt a strong sense of kinship. Kim and I: two women united by our passion for getting things for free.
That was short-lived.
“I don’t have a concept of what, like, certain simple things cost,” she said. “I’d like to know a little bit more about what, like, a milk carton costs.”
Plastic Surgery Is Coming for Your Ribcage
Forget a new nose or expensive facelift. If you’re not signing up to have your ribs broken and reshaped, do you even care about your appearance?
A 25-year-old who underwent a new procedure called, RibXCar, has given a detailed account of her experience to The Cut.
RibXCar promises a more defined waist or exaggerated hourglass silhouette by remodelling up to eight ribs to create a contoured, “feminine” shape.
Reading the story is enough to make your abdomen ache, especially when the author casually mentions she was the surgeon’s first U.S. patient and that he had only performed the surgery a few times. In Peru.
After months of wearing a tight compression corset and living mostly on liquids post-surgery, the story ends on a high note: she loves her new ribcage!
Surely it’s only a matter of time before Laser Clinics adds this to the menu.
Angels? Not Loving Them
Watching highlights from the Victoria’s Secret 2025 Fashion Show feels like scrolling through the Facebook profile of a school friend you haven’t seen in 15 years.
I was transported back to 2007, watching the show with a badly applied streaky tan. On the surface, the show looks exactly like it did in its 2000s heyday: decorated wings, sparkling lingerie, perfect blowouts, pink robes, and familiar faces like Lily Aldridge, Adriana Lima, Irina Shayk, and Bella Hadid.
But 2025 creeps in. VS now ticks just enough diversity and inclusion boxes to dodge criticism—which makes sense given the brand’s rough few years in the public eye—but it comes off as list-ticking and performative rather than genuine. The show streams on YouTube and Amazon rather than a free-to-air network. Overall, it doesn’t quite puncture the zeitgeist the way it used to. It feels less thrilling and stuck in time.
“I Bought It From ChatGPT”
For those of us already in a co-dependent relationship with ChatGPT, OpenAI’s new shopping tool might just be the best or worst thing to happen.
Instant Checkout does your online shopping for you, letting you browse and buy products right in the chat—no clicking through to retailer websites. It answers questions, shows relevant items, and, according to OpenAI, results aren’t sponsored.
For now, it’s only available in the U.S., with brands like Walmart, Skims, Etsy, and Glossier on board. More regions and features are coming, so it’s only a matter of time before it arrives Down Under.
Why Does Every Sneaker Look Like It Belongs With a Bum Bag and a Mullet?
I dread my annual search for new workout shoes, the workhorse of my wardrobe. My aversion runs so deep I don’t even know what to call these shoes.
They’re certainly not shoes for running. God didn’t bless me with the running gene, every time I even attempt it, it looks like I’m having a medical episode.
And I’d rather remove my eyeballs with chopsticks than join a run club.
‘Walking shoes’ feels too dismissive of my once-a-year circuit training session and I’d never wear them for leisure. So I’m left in a niche that’s hard to categorise: I go for walks. I do Pilates. I am lazy and hate anything strenuous. What shoes are for me?!
So when I found myself in the “3D fitting experience” at Athlete’s Foot — a treadmill-type machine with 4,000 sensors that film every step to identify “your unique foot movement” — it was immediately clear I was the kind of customer they dread.
I made it clear I didn’t want anything high-tech or high-performance. Unfortunately, the “sneakers for sloths” section is thin.
The poor sales assistant couldn’t wait to get me out of her hair and back onto the shop floor. As I browsed the shelves, a sense of doom came over me. My breath grew shallow, my palms sweaty, as an awful realisation hit me: sneakers are in the middle of a full-blown identity crisis.
First, let’s look at the baggage they’re carrying — literally: every pair has a huge foamy base, like a jumping castle glued to the bottom.
Hoka, in particular, look like they took design inspiration from the NSW Government’s low- and mid-rise housing policy. Footwear stacked to ungodly heights.
Then we move on to the Salomons. My god, the Salomons.
As my eyes scanned the shelves, each pair was worse than the last: trail runners that looked like crocodiles, a shoe called the Pulsar in flaming orange made from material that looked like a condom wrapper. But mostly, they all looked like they belonged on the feet of 17-year-old boys in black caps and bum bags, with a love of train stations.
“Eshay, adlay,” these shoes seemed to hiss as I walked past.
I moved on, increasingly desperate for something dog-park-appropriate, something that might pass for a normal sneaker. Instead, I was confronted by the crown jewel of the lot: the sneaker sandal.
Aesthetic : Part divorced solo-traveller tourist, part “Fun fact about me: I love rock climbing” Hinge profile.
A shoe so painful to the eye and utterly devoid of practicality unless you plan to clamber over rocks on an Italian beach with a GoPro. At least Salomons can keep you going at a warehouse rave.
To conclude this utterly first-world saga that’s definitely tugging on heartstrings, I ended up with a pair of all-black ON sneakers. I still don’t love the sole, which reminds me of a factory conveyor belt, but at least they don’t have a huge foamy base, don’t require me to grow a rat tail, and don’t scream hostel.
Thank god.
Couldn't agree more. Your take on the royals' pr disaster is so sharp, and that Rob Kardashian bit was just perfect. It's fascinating how even the most powerful peopel eventually get caught by their own digital trails, no matter how much they try to erase them.
Loved all these articles, such witty writing. Def in sympathy over the sneakers…so many and yet so few!